*This was originally written in 2022
When my now adult daughter was a tiny, adorable preschooler (which btw was about 10 minutes ago), she used to do this thing, which she gave me permission to share with you. Sometimes, when she would get sad about something, or a sudden wave of toddler-tired would overtake her, her face would look worried, and she would whimper, in this small, soft voice: "I wanna go home."
I assume it began when she was in nursery, and didn't like what was happening in school at that moment, so she'd yearn for (what I hope was and still is) her safe place: home. With her parents and siblings and her cozy bed and sippy cups and, usually, mac n cheese. But the interesting thing was that she would also sometimes say this when she was already at home.
As a mom, it was clear to me that her little "I wanna go home" mantra had become not so much a literal request to change physical locations, as much as a symbolic, emotional expression of feeling unsettled, untethered in the moment, and wanting to get back to that comforting feeling of "home."
For children who are privileged to be raised with stability, home is where the love is. The safety. The feeling that mom and dad are taking care of us, the toys and furnishings are worn and familiar. Knowing that soon it will be time for supper, bath, story, cuddles, prayers, and bed. That you can close your eyes, hold your teddy, and rest, knowing that the grownups are here watching over you. That you're gonna be ok.
In this week's Torah portion, it talks about the timely concept of Teshuva.
Teshuva is often translated as repentance, but that's not exactly what it means linguistically. The literal meaning is return.
Our original state as humans is pure and holy and good. There's a morning blessing that says:
"G-d, the soul you gave into me is pure."
To me, that is, potentially, the ultimate source of self-esteem. The awareness that at our core, we are all little tiny glowing snippets of G-d, scurrying around on a spinning rock, just trying to do our best.
When we get distracted from identifying with that pure goodness, and the memory that we are loved and treasured, our souls feel like my sweet, innocent three year old Sussy, in that disoriented sense of: "I wanna go home."
Like, I'm here, having some experiences, and doing these things, but I kind of wanna get back to the love and security of home. Of my big strong parents enveloping me with warmth and nurture and reassurance that I'm still me, and it's ok, and I'm held and cherished.
A lot of people are suffering emotionally these days- it seems like it's being talked about more than it used to, and that's probably a good thing, because we need to deal with it. Mental health concerns are affecting and being affected by spiritual experiences too.
For too many people, religion, instead of being a refuge, a safe haven for love, connection, and strength, has tragically become a source of shame and paralyzing self- flagellation. Teshuva is not supposed to be about torturing ourselves into an incapacitated state of worthlessness and despondency. It's about getting our bearings, noticing in what ways we're feeling untethered, and tapping into the lifeline of "home."
The unsettled feeling we get when we're not in alignment with our own souls, our Source, with serenity, with joy and personal potential- that's the feeling of "I wanna go home." They say home is where the heart is, and it's also where the soul is, and the soul is Divine. Teshuva is about coming back to ourselves, our own integrity and emotional sanctuary. That purest essence of possibility, love, and hope, that is our birthright and that's a healthy relationship with G-d, the way it's meant to be.
I realize that for people who grew up in abusive environments- in family, community, or schools, this might sound foreign, even triggering, and if you are one of those people, I'm so sorry- that shouldn't have happened to you. But whatever it was, whatever was done to you and/ or whatever you've done, wherever you find yourself, please know, that you can still find home, maybe even for the first time, that return to your inner, worthy self. To wherever and whatever that means to you- in the healthiest, safest, gentlest, most optimal sense of who and how you want to be.
Sending blessings and prayers for the world to come home, to peace, hope, and love.
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