*Some of this is adapted from a schmoozeletter email from 2021
Have you been feeling especially down for the last 420 days?
For many Jews, Israelis, and humans who care, this has been a very difficult year.
When we walk through painful times- personally, vicariously, nationally, or globally, it can sometimes engender dark, nihilistic feelings and thoughts.
How many psalms can we tearfully recite? How many emails to elected officials? How many times can we click "donate" in the hopes that our paltry donations make some sort of difference? How many times can we repeat the same futile-feeling efforts to alleviate the suffering before we begin to lose hope?
Tal Ben Shahar defines depression as "sadness without hope."
But what many of us are feeling is even more complex than this: it's a shape-shifting potpourri of grief, trauma, anger, indignation, betrayal, fear, helplessness, confusion, and probably more.
It can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between clinically depressive feelings and emotional pain that is proportionately connected to lived experience, particularly when it's chronic or open-ended, like grief.
Depression can bring intrusive thoughts, existential questions, and dark moods. It can feel unsettling, even scary.
One of the harsh features of depression and anxiety is that they're self-perpetuating phenomena. Meaning, you feel depressed or anxious about something, but then you start feeling depressed or anxious about the fact that you feel depressed or anxious, and wonder how bad it will get, or if or when it will stop, it slows down your focus and productivity which is also depressing and worrying, and it becomes a vicious cycle of misery.
Depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief stem from different origins, and need to be treated or managed differently based on how where they come from and how they present. But a strong model for understanding this is the bio-psycho-social approach: the idea that there are biological, psychological, and interpersonal elements to both the problems and the treatments.
This means recognizing the roles that physical health, movement, nourishment, neurology, and hormones play in our mental health, as well as our individual experiences and thoughts, and our relationships. By attending to all three categories, we can take care of our well being in multi-faceted ways.
In this week's Torah portion, a great person, the matriarch Rebecca, says something that sounds intense:
After 20 years of wanting and praying for a child, she finds her pregnancy difficult and says:
"If it's like this, then why am I?"
Different commentaries weigh in on what exactly she was questioning:
"Why did I want to be pregnant? Why do people have kids? Why am I even here in this world?"
When we constantly feel the emotional weight of the hostages, the soldiers, the suffering, the abused, the sick, it can take the wind out of our psychological sails- and yet, how can we not?
We might find ourselves in dark moments thinking:
"What is even the point of all this? It's just so much pain and uncertainty."
Sometimes, when we have intense thoughts and feelings, we can get to judging ourselves for them.
Calling ourselves "oversensitive," or "dramatic."
But when people are in pain- physical, emotional, or relational pain, our brains often generate thoughts and feelings. We become dysregulated when life feels dysregular. It's part of being human, but it can feel overwhelming.
I believe the Torah normalizes this. Rebecca was a spiritual giant, a role model. So was the matriarch Rachel and she said something similarly dire:
"Give me children- if not I'm dead."
And it wasn't just women on the subject of motherhood; prophets like Jonah and Elijah also questioned whether they wanted to live, even asked to die.
Maybe it's not always a sickness.
Maybe this is actually part of the human condition.
Maybe part of being mortal is not only examining our mortality, but sometimes questioning the point of life itself.
Maybe it doesn't always need to be pathologized, but analyzed.
What does Rebecca do from amidst her anguish?
The next line in the verse:
"She went to seek out G-d."
She prayed, meditated, consulted with a spiritual guide- whatever "seeking out G-d means"- the antidote to feeling confused and overwhelmed by life, is to ask our questions, not deny or suppress them.
To tap into our spiritual resources.
To reach out for support, to reach inward for wisdom.
And to remember that this is a universal thing- it's not only you.
It's part of being human.
There may not be easily accessible answers or solutions but there is the search and quest for more, better, healing.
Praying for peace and salvation for the hostages, for Israel, for the West, for the world and wishing you health and serenity,
Elisheva
PS Questioning life and death is different from a realistic urge to self harm or take one's own life. If you or someone you care about feel like that line has been crossed, please seek immediate help- your life matters and it can get better.
PS If you're suffering from anxiety, depression, or any other mental health or relational concern, and considering seeking help, but not sure how therapy works, this might be helpful for you: How to Get the Most Out of Your Therapy
PPS If you'd like to learn more about ways to manage difficult thoughts, feelings, or moods, this might be a good place to start: Understanding and Dealing with Your Thoughts and Feelings
PPS. If you're getting this email as a forward, but would like to receive more like it directly, you can subscribe for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter
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