One of the most scary symptoms faced by the loved ones of some who suffer from psychological distress is the phenomenon of self-harming behavior. This can present in visible ways, like self-injury, or in the form of more covert dangers such as substance abuse or eating disorders. For those who have never experienced the urge to self-harm in any way, it can sound so foreign and counter-intuitive- humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain; why would anyone deliberate do something that hurts?
The answers to this question are complex, but essentially every dysfunction serves a certain function.
When people act in ways that oppose their well being, they are seeking something. They will often say they "just want to feel something," other than than numbness, disassociation, or emptiness. Or they are in so much emotional pain, that it's a relief to transfer the pain to something physical and limited that's in their control, rather than this overwhelming agony that engulfs them and makes them feel helpless. It's common that those who suffer from self-harming have survived trauma, because people often unconsciously recreate or seek out what is familiar, and sometimes, tragically, pain feels like home.
There are some instances where pain can even be perceived as pleasure. This is not delusional; our bodies often respond to pain with endorphins, so it is an instinctive form of self medicating (though not an advisable one.) Sometimes the self-harming is a subconscious way of inflicting punishment for shameful beliefs.
There is pain that we associate with accomplishment or some other sort of strength, such as working out, and because of the meaning that goes along with it, that pain serves a purpose. When we are acting in ways that are not in the best interests of our bodies- even nonpathologically- like staying up later than we mean to, or working so hard we get run down and sick, it can be helpful to ask ourselves what purpose this is serving, what we might be avoiding or trying to pursue, and what we might prefer to be doing for ourselves instead.
In this week's Torah portion, Re'eh, there's an interesting rule:
"You are children of G-d; don't cut or shave yourselves over the deceased."
There were cultures in which the practice of self-mutilation was a form of showing respect and grief over loss.
We are advised that this is not the way G-d wants us to mourn. Not because mourning is bad- it's actually prescribed.
But we are children of G-d and our bodies are holy. And while there is a human desire to translate our psychological pain onto our physiological selves, G-d is telling us:
"No, my child. I know it hurts. But feel your feelings in your heart, your mind, your soul. Talk about it, cry, rest. Even rip your clothing. But don't harm yourself; be gentle to you even in the midst of tragedy. Especially then."
There are some religious ideologies that denigrate the body, as if there is merit in not being so physical. In contrast, this law reflects the idea that the body is a vessel of holiness and spirituality, and should be protected as such. When we redirect the urge to make the pain somatic, protecting our physical safety, and focus on the psychological process it represents, we're able to attend to the part of the self that needs it most.
Please note: If you suffer from self-harming behavior, this is not because you are weak, unspiritual, or sinful. This is a common struggle and it's not your fault. Competent professional treatment can help. Please seek a referral for a licensed professional for acute self-harming. (I don't have enough specialized training in this area to treat it, but please ask your doctor or someone else you trust for a referral.)
If you struggle with more mild forms of occasional self-sabotage, that probably means you are human. But the technique of trying to gently get mindful about what's happening inside beneath the surface, face and name the feelings, and then accept and process them, can help redirect energy and effort towards where we want it to go instead.
Sometimes:)
This post was originally a "schmoozeletter" email sent to subscribers. If you'd like to receive free, exclusive content like it in your inbox (almost) weekly, come join us here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter
留言